On the Occasion of My iPhone 17 Pro Upgrade
For those who missed the official press release, I can confirm that I have, in fact, ordered a new iPhone 17 Pro to replace my three-year-old model 14.
On the Occasion of My iPhone 17 Pro Upgrade
Rumors that I’ve gone for the 17 Pro Max are completely unfounded. My legendary modesty restrained any consideration of that level of conspicuous consumption. I leave such extravagance to casino moguls, hedge fund managers, and orthodontists.
I am scheduled to pick the phone up next Friday at 2 PM. Out of respect for the expected media turnout, we recommend members of the press arrive by 1:30 to secure preferred seating and receive a printed copy of the spontaneous remarks I will deliver upon exiting the Apple Store.
Following my statement, I will take a limited number of questions from the podium.
I would also like to thank the entire iPhone engineering team for the remarkable innovations in the iPhone 17. I was humbled to have Tim Cook personally mention my modest contributions in footnote 792 of the Apple press package.
A Necessary Note on Lesser Devices
Despite my joy for the new phone, I must address one controversial feature in iOS 26. It has been reported that iPhone 17 Pro models will automatically AirDrop notifications to earlier devices, announcing the arrival of nearby 17 Pro owners—complete with suggested compliments to share, including such gems as:
“That’s… a very sleek phone you’ve got there. Truly life-changing,”
“Congratulations on your bold investment in innovation and status,” and
“You’re a true pioneer, I’ve heard they have a physical flashlight button now.”
I have been assured that 17 Pro users can opt out of this feature, and I have already asked my team to come up with a plan to do just that by the end of Q1 of 2026. For now, the feature will remain active, offering lesser phone users the chance to witness the 17 Pro’s cutting-edge innovation, including the game-changing physical flashlight button. (Exclusively credited to me, see footnote 792)
